Getting to Where I Got ~ Part III

So where were we?  Ahhh yes -- EXERCISE.

Seeee -- it's not so much that I didn't like various exercises/activity.  On the contrary, as a small child I loved to run, play hide and seek, tag, dodgeball, four square, capture the flag.  In jr. high I liked PE, enjoyed running track, played basketball, softball, volleyball.  I didn't do too much "activity wise" in high school.  I was mostly a loner on campus.  Every lunch hour I'd grab a package of M&M's (peanut, of course) and a package of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and eat this up on the grass while I read a book by myself.  I hoped that, by bringing a book, other kids would think I wanted to eat by myself and it would hide the fact that I was hating being the unpopular girl at the new school.  (By the way - did you catch that I bought two packages of candy E-V-E-R-Y D-A-Y during lunch?  Small wonder why I gained so much weight!)

Anyway - as an adult there was one period of time after my third child was born that I joined a local ladies only nautilus gym.  I thoroughly enjoyed the aerobics class and the time out with "big people"!  :-)  I actually lost a lot of pregnancy weight for a while there and I was eating healthier and exercising a "normal" amount.

Unfortunately - somewhere along the line "exercising" became something I 'had' to do again - then that gym closed, I had to return to work full-time and ... well on the story goes.

Anyway - back to my original story:  What I have since come to know about myself is that I have a hard time stopping when I get to any "finish" line -- irregardless of the initial goal.  If I set out to do 100 sit-ups then I would count them – out loud – one by one.  That’s no big deal.  However, if I got to – mmm, let’s say 52 – and was distracted by some external source (be it a phone call or an interruption of some other type), then when I resumed those sit-ups I "had" to start back with the count of 1.   I couldn't start up from 52 and just move to 53 -- I had to start over. 

I don’t know why.  If interrupted -- I always had to start back at the beginning of my routine.  At 16 years of age, my ‘exercise routine’ took me no less than 2 hours.  This "routine" consisted of sit-ups, deep knee bends, toe touches, jumping jacks, etc.  I would do 100 to 200 of each exercise.  I don't even remember the exact number I expected myself to do ... I just remember that routine.  It should've been easy -- but it always took me hours to complete.  Even if everybody else was in bed I would be doing jumping jacks, toe touches, deep knee bends, etc., etc.  And even if I wasn’t distracted by some external source -- if I just “thought” that maybe I miscounted ... it was back to the starting gate.  My ritual was so rigid it became obsessive.  I couldn’t go to bed until I had completed my routine.  If I had been out and didn't get home until late ... it didn't matter.  If I couldn't start until 3 am., so be it.  I 'had' to finish my routine! 

Pair this with my desire to keep “tabs” (pun intended) on my one apple and Tab per day.  It all became an annoying way to deal with things.  Yes, I was thinner.  I didn't look anorexic to others for the most part (an occasional comment was made about my face looking too thin but not often) and when bones started becoming a bit too noticeable ... I saw it.  I think a true anorexic can't see when they're getting too thin -- they look in the mirror and still see fat.  I didn't.  I saw I was thinner and I liked it.  I didn't really want to lose more - I just wanted to maintain the loss.  But - without starving and over exercising ... I had no clue how to do that.  I was 5'2" and somewhere between 100-105 pounds.  It was probably an acceptable weight for a 16-17 year old girl. 


The "problem" was how I arrived at that weight.  According to dear ol' Dr. Spindler, when I stopped having periods that was a sign I was not getting adequate nutrition and I was over exercising. 

To be continued ...