OH YEAH!

There are days I feel I have been downright  [naughty]

when it comes to my eating habits.

However, I DO 

 

[Believe]

 ... things are beginning to

     









[CLICK] for me! 

I have been concentrating on getting more water in on a daily basis, I have been wearing a pedometer to track my movement progress, and I have really realized that I need to up my protein intake. 

 It is[Essential] that I focus daily on getting adequate amounts of protein, healthy carbs, water, vitamin/mineral supplements.

I must say … this time of growth has sparked a  

[Revival]


in my enthusiasm about achieving optimum health and because of this I am simply *Soy* excited! ;-)

I’m on my way, baby.

OH YEAH!

Today

In an effort to get a handle on my procrastination, I have decided that I will commit to more regular blogging ... one of these days.  (lol)

But for now ~ just an update on life.

I had my gallbladder removed a week ago Thursday and all went well ... piece o' cake (pardon the pun).  I decided to take both Thurs-Fri. off even though I felt like I probably could've returned to work on Friday.

I did return to work the following Monday and felt great - 100%.  No issues.  At one point in the day I had to go across the street to our main office building so I left my desk, got to the crosswalk and started to jog across the street.  I wasn't even thinking about the fact that I had surgery a few days prior, wasn't even thinking about stitches, etc. 

Well - one popped open.  Again, no biggy.  Until yesterday ~

This particular incision site - which looked a little angry by Wed. - was completely pissed by Saturday.  So much so that I began running a slight fever and the site was swollen, surrounded by a narly red ring and oozing (sorry, TMI).  Headed to a walk-in clinic about 30 minutes before closing (because I kept digging my heels in telling my husband I wasn't going to go - ha) ... and, long story short, walked out with a culture being sent to a lab to determine "what type" of infection took hold but with the diagnosis that I did, in fact, have an infection.

Hmph.

So - I'm taking an oral antibiotic 3x per day, along with a topical antibiotic 3x ... good news?  They were super cheap!  (ha)

The other good news?  When I weighed in at the walk-in clinic she said I was 131 pounds.  Not my personal ideal of 123 but ... hey, it wasn't 231 pounds now, right?!

That was one of the shockers after gallbladder surgery ... I stood on the scale on Friday and I was up 6 (almost 7) pounds!!!   I was soooo freaked.  Saturday?  Same thing - no, I take it back.  I was up an ADDITIONAL pound.  I had a lot of shoulder pain which was attributed to air (I'm told) .... and thankfully both the air and the poundage have worked their "weigh" out of my body and I'm now weighing about 4 pounds less than pre-surgery. 

Yes, I'm smiling.

Funny thing was - when I was given discharge instructions for 'wound care' I noticed at the top the lady typed in my weight as being 132.  I wanted that one pound that she added removed from my record!  When I stood at the scale she said (and I saw the dial @) 131.

131 lady ... 131.  GET IT RIGHT!  ;-)

(Funny - 3 years ago I would've given anything to see 132 on the scale ... but now ... I want at least 131.)

;-)

It's the little things ~

Happy Easter  ;-)

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

I am learning about change.  Specifically – I am learning about making long-term lifestyle changes.  These *lessons* are interesting – I’ll say that from the outset.

Prior to making my decision to undergo gastric bypass surgery, I had to have a long talk with myself and honestly evaluate some things.  The main question I had to ask myself was, “Will you forever change the way you approach food?”  I knew this could not be a temporary diet … it had to be a permanent lifestyle change.  [To be honest, I say I *knew* this but … I didn’t really believe it.  Yes, I had been told by many professionals and/or post op patients that ‘weight loss surgery wasn’t a cure-all - it was only a tool.’ But in all honesty I thought it’d be different for me.  I didn’t think that I would have to change too much – deep down inside I believed the smaller size of my stomach would make the changes for me. ]

And … for a while … this actually *was* the case.  The first year post bypass was a breeze … unbelievable.  I couldn’t eat too much, I didn’t want to eat too much, the weight came off and it was a piece of cake (pardon the pun). 

Then … somewhere around the one year mark … my hunger started to return.  And during the Christmas holiday I decided to *taste* a little chocolate to *see* if it threw me into the dreaded “dump”-ster. 

It did not.

I’m not sure if that revelation made me happy or sad.  [Oh, who am I kidding?!  Of course it made me happy!]  It also scared me (and I have learned over the past several months that a healthy dose of fear can be a good thing)!

So here is where I am today as far as my body/stomach is concerned food wise:  I can eat just about anything.  The only food[s] I have trouble with are starchy foods (any type of bread, pasta, etc.).  And – my hunger has returned.  Not necessarily real *hunger* – my desire to use food for purposes other than satisfying true hunger and/or to meet valid nutrition needs.  I find myself tempted to turn to food when I’m stressed, bored, happy, sad.  Food is trying to rekindle our friendship.  The little bastard. 

Lately I’ve had more conversations with myself than Sybil!  I’m finally learning to think before I eat, to listen to my body and *hear* whether my hunger is truly hunger for food or an attempt to stifle emotions such as boredom, sadness, stress.  I’m learning to slow down, to relax, to take time, to evaluate what I am really feeling before I reach for the cupboard door.  I have decided that eating stuffs more emotions than Stove Top stuffs turkeys! 

I’m learning to allow myself to *feel*!

That’s not easy.  It sounds easy … but it’s not. 

And once upon a time – if I had an urge to grab something from the fridge or cupboard - I wouldn’t even attempt to discipline myself.  If I wanted it – I got it.  End of story.  I didn’t care why I wanted it – I didn’t try to figure out if the *hunger* was legit. 

“Nobody’s gonna’ tell *me* what I can or cannot eat – this is my life … I’m a big girl now!”  And then it hit me:  I’m *not* a big girl [physically] any more … I’m actually one of those littler girls now! 

But I *am* mature enough to know better, mature enough to make some decisions, mature enough to say no, mature enough to exercise control, mature enough to talk back to the still small voice whispering *sweet somethings* in my ear. 

Further, I’m realizing:  It is *not* a given that everyone who has weight loss surgery will regain some or all of their weight back although that is what I was led to believe.  It is also not a given that everyone who has weight loss surgery will reach their goal weight and keep it off.

I am a person who does better with positive motivation.  Please don’t tell me the odds are against me – don’t try to *scare* me into submission.  Maybe that works for some but – not for me.  I can handle the truth but … I like a half full (not half ass-ed) glass.  I want to hear that there’s a great chance I am going to succeed. 

AND – the most powerful truth I am learning is – I don’t need ANYBODY else to tell me these things.  They can come from within me.   I am starting to hear from myself!  I am starting to believe I can do this. 

I believe I AM doing this!  It’s sooo COOL!

(I like the sound of my voice these days!)

Another one bites the dust!

*KIDNEY STONES*

(to the TUNE: "Gloria" by Laura Brannigan)

"Kidney stones -- you're always in my bladder.
You've got me doubled over ...
(People do not know what's the maaaattter)

I drink my water every hour of the daaayyy
And yet you keep on formin'
The pain was starting in my back ...
I know that this was just my warnnnnin' ~

You really don't remember
I told you not to come on back
I'm sick and tired of your attacks ...
Stupid kidney stones .... "

(I'm not interested in doing additional verses ... just *blasting* my kidney stones via song. 
Thanks - I feel better now!)
 *~*~*~

Not a pretty sight but I finally passed another kidney stone today -- at work of all places!  Great fun (???).  Geeesh*

I know it's disgusting when you stop to think that I actually reach into the toilet to snatch these suckers out before flushing so I can show off my feat ... but hey - I needed some credit.  [ha - I guess it's kinda like showing off you're new baby after delivery ... let's face it - they're not always that cute right outta' the shoot either!] ... 

Soooo - my day went something like this:  Got up - ouch.  Went to the bathroom - ouch.  Went to work - ouch.  Answered phones - ouch.  Went to the bathroom - ouch.  Passed another  kidney stone - ahhhh.  Went and laid down in the conference room for 10 min.  :-)  And ... I felt ~

Better!

Anywhooo - back to what I was originally saying - you can't really tell but this most recent stone was like glass ... it actually sparkled and, if it hadn't hurt like he**, might've been considered somewhat --- "pretty"?!?  LOL 

I really have had a lot of (too many) issues with kidney stones post gastric bypass ... not sure if this is the same for you?  I sincerely hope not!  I have a great deal to learn (or accept) as far as consuming Starbuck's Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate(s) and ... dare I admit it ... peanut M&M's.  sigh*   Chocolate and ... (well, there isn't anything to add but chocolate ... I was going to give two examples of the things that tempt me but ... it's not chocolate and _____ -- it really is just chocolate) ... Simply put:  Chocolate remains my downfall.

I paid for my indiscretions this month ... one too many hot chocolates = one too many kidney stone(s).  Live and learn.

LEARN.
LEARN.

Learn, damnit!  I think I'm *finally* getting it!  I think I'm *finally* learning this lesson so I don't have to keep retaking this class!  ;-)

More later - and, as always, I'll keep you ...

~ posted

Ode to the Post-Op Pooch

A few weeks back, on a whim, I decided to attend the last hour of a local "All About Women" health fair.  I was there to look for one specific booth: "Plastic Surgery Associates."  [I'd seen their booths/displays set up in the past and had always dreamed of the "day in the future" when I would become their patient.  At one point in my life that seemed an impossibility but today it seems like it's "right there" ... within reach!]  :-)

Anywhooo - back to my story ... after scouting a couple rooms - and bypassing some impressive tables/displays (all the while resisting impulse buys of jewelry, handbags and homemade honey!), I saw the banner for Plastic Surgery Associates looming overhead and, lo and behold, Dr. Mendez was actually 'manning' (pardon the pun) his booth. 

Impressive.

I went to talk with him and found him extremely approachable.  Lucky for me his booth was empty - in fact, most of the tables were breaking down for the day so the entire room/warehouse was growing quiet and things were winding down.  Dr. Mendez asked me what I was interested in discussing so I told him about my gastric bypass surgery in 2009 and my subsequent weight loss. We talked about how long I would need to wait before scheduling an initial consult, etc.  I also inquired as to whether or not I could expect to lose any additional weight from any/all skin removal during the tummy tuck/lipo process, etc.  Dr. Mendez asked what my expectations from surgery were and I told him that, ultimately, I would like to feel a lot better about my body than I do at present.  I feel great when I have clothing on.  When I take off the clothing ... mmmm ... notsumuch!  :-/ 

He looked at me - kind of gave me the visual "once over" - and then asked if my upper arms were an issue.  (ha - the way he posed the question made me laugh and I wanted to respond with, "Well ... they *weren't* ... until just NOW!"  Instead I said, "No.").  ;-)  My upper arm area probably should be an issue based on magazine images but - I'm happy to say my arms really don't bug me all that much.  Do I wish they were firmer/toner/less flabby?  Yeah, I guess.  And while I wouldn't say I'm particularly "proud" of that part of my body - I'm taking into consideration the whole picture here and placing priorities on what I want help with.  If money were no object?  Sure, fix the bat wings.  But - if I have to pick and choose ... my stomach and my butt and my thighs and my boobs definitely take precedence - in that order!

So -- Dr. Mendez asked some further questions.  Then he said it's always best to get to ones goal weight prior to weight loss surgery (not to bank on weight loss surgery as a tool for weight loss) but he followed up by asking if I had discussed a goal weight with my personal physician.  I said that yes, I had, and that her recommendation was for me to weigh no less than 135 (I currently weigh 1 pound less than my doctor's goal).  He then asked me how much I would need to lose to get to my personal goal weight and I told him I wanted to weigh no more than 125 pounds. 


Dr. Mendez concluded by saying it sounds like the only question now is the length of time that I have maintained my loss.  It should be no less than one year and I'm okay with taking the time to drop another 9 pounds and then working to maintain that loss for at least a year.  Realistically (& financially) I could not afford surgery or the additional time off from work this year anyway (probably not even next) and I want to do this right.  I'm definitely still in the process of learning how to eat/exercise/maintain -- and I do still want to work off that last 8-9 pounds.  And my brain needs to catch up with my body ... the other day I walked into the bathroom and I was actually taken back by what I saw ... I was half asleep and expected to see the fat chick in the mirror.  When I turned on the light I saw a smaller version of me reflecting back and realized that, for a second, I had actually kind of forgotten I was thinner.  It was a great feeling but I really need to connect my head and my belly!

Long story short (too late, I know ...) I came away from the spur of the moment consult with Dr. Mendez feeling informed, motivated and optimistic about having at least a tummy tuck and lipo at some point in the future.

He recommended I come to a complimentary seminar in April so I signed up to attend.  If you attend the seminar you receive your follow-up in office consult free (which I already knew because I work at a medical office and we see their patients regularly).  The appointment for a consult doesn't have to be made by any deadline so I could attend the seminar this April and have a consult next year at this time if I wanted.

The only thing is -- I've been "shopping around" online.  One of my co-workers (a post gastric bypass patient herself) recommended a surgeon she'd heard of down in the Beverly Hills area so ... I scoped out some of this Center's "Before/After" photos.  This surgeon's work is AMAZING.  I felt like I was kinda/sorta gawking at a porn magazine (sans ooh la la!) -- but there were numerous nudes on there that had REMARKABLE transformations.  I was so impressed with this surgeon's site ...

I just cannot imagine myself traveling sooo far for plastic surgery.  There must be good plastic surgeons closer.  Then again - I traveled over 5 hours for my gastric bypass.  At any rate - I am thinking, thinking, thinking ...

I *wish* I didn't have to go down the plastic surgery road -- I *wish* I didn't have all this excess skin ... but ~ "if wishes were fishes" ...
I'm contemplating, I'm thinking, I'm dreaming ... and now I'm planning -- planning on pulling a big ol' leftover Blue Mountain Spring Water plastic jug out of the recycling in the garage so I can start filling it with pennies -- pennies for the post-op pooch!!

More later ~

My head's still spinning ...

Yesterday my daughter spun on out I-80 near Vacaville.  She described the incident in the following manner,

“Mom, I saw a car coming up on my right side as I was trying to merge into the exit lane.  He was ‘right there’ so I tried to go back into my lane.  I think I must’ve overcorrected – but it’s all such a blur!  I hydroplaned and the next thing I knew I was spinning in circles and I couldn’t control anything.  It happened so fast but I felt like the whole thing was happening in super slow motion.  And for one split second I thought, ‘Is this how I’m going to die?  I’m not ready to die yet.’  I was spinning out – I saw the center guardrail coming at me and I just couldn’t take control of the car.  It’s like it had a mind of its own … I ended up in the center divide facing the traffic in the opposite direction.  I can’t believe this all happened.“ 

Such scary words to hear coming from your firstborn!  Yes, she’s an adult @ 22 years of age but still and always – your firstborn baby.  You never want to get any type of a call that there has been an accident – even if it is HER voice you hear at the other end of the line and you realize in the fog that yes, she’s obviously still alive and okay.  So many questions – and the stress of being 2 hours away unable to be there – right THEN and there!

There’s so much more to that story but I’m trying to do what I am never able to do in a blog – I’m trying to abbreviate, condense.  The moral of the story above is – thankfully – my daughter is just fine.  Her car didn’t fare as well but she is scratch free, injury free, hers was the only vehicle involved and she is only complaining about the loss of her “tax refund buffer” now that her insurance rates will go up.   That irritation is a good sign … she’s sounds normal.  J

Once I stopped reeling from the “what if’s” of the events of yesterday and had said my bazillion “thanks be to God” for protecting my kiddo (I’m still saying those as I write this, by the way) … I was trying to get back into the swing and normalcy of my day today - the day “after” the call. 

Her words replayed in my mind:  “… it happened so fast” … “I was spinning out” … “ I saw the center guardrail coming at me and I just couldn’t take control of the car.  It’s like it had a mind of its own.” 

Do you ever feel this way when it comes to food?  I’ve felt that way sooo many times … the words I wanted to offer my daughter were as follows:  “Learn from this experience, sis.  You are fortunate nobody else was involved.  Accidents happen but as much as you can – prepare in this weather.  Leave a little earlier, plan ahead and be aware of your surroundings.”

Not all of those words apply to hunger/spinning out of control/food type situations but … I think I can learn a lot from a phone call about a spin out.  I need to be prepared, plan ahead, pay attention to my surroundings.

And this next bit of advice doesn’t apply to food but … it’s always a good idea to be current on your insurance.  Thanks Allstate!  We’re in good hands thanks to you … and a little (lotta'?) help from Above!  ;-)

"Mirror, Mirror on the Wall" ....



That title should actually be, "Tummy, Tummy in my Shower!"

Chances are - most of you who will come across this post took a shower this morning - or yesterday morning or ... okay, if you haven't showered in the last 48 hours it's alright ... I'm not jo mama!  And anyway - that's not the "point" of my "post" today.

I noticed something interesting this morning while I was lathering up my head in that shower and I thought I'd share.  (Before today I really hadn't paid much attention to the talks I have with myself when nobody else is around and/or listening and/or contributing to the conversation.)

My self-talk is not very friendly.  WOW -- Seriously?  I wouldn't say the things I say to myself to anybody else!  Ever.

Hmmm?  "Once upon a time" a friend recommended a book entitled, "What To Say When You Talk To Yourself" -- (and I really ought to read it someday - ha).  But I did read the back cover and got the gist of the message:  We replay a lot of unnecessary old tapes when nobody else is recording on the cassettes of our lives anymore (okay, okay - the "cassette" comment dates me - I know).  Moving on ~

I am no longer the 3rd grader bullied by 3 chicks every Wednesday night after "Pioneer Girls" at church.  I never told anybody that I was considered a loser because in my eyes - my brothers, my parents, any other friends I had would be disappointed in my "loser-ship".  These chicks were mean and really put me down ... literally at times.  I had to pull myself up on more than one occasion after being pushed onto my butt by one of the three ~ apparently that fell to whoever was in the shoving mood on any given night after our little religious bible memorization time.  These three would taunt me about my appearance, my clumsiness, my haircut, my clothing, my lack of bible memorization skills (which, in hindsight was a total crock because I still have a bazillion verses committed to memory - so there!) - ha. 

But that's kind of the point.  Bullies don't often have a valid reason for their tactics of intimidation.  They choose an individual they think they can overpower emotionally and, if they succeed one time, they consider themselves the winner.  The bullying will continue.  And it did while they still attended Pioneer Girls.  [I was sooo glad when Manor Baptist discontinued that program and went with Awana's instead -- the three chicks didn't like the Awana group.  ha]

But you know - those girls went away and I have no clue what became of them.  I'd like to think they are completely successful, sweet, kind women who either don't remember being bullies because it's sooo far from their personality nowadays OR they do remember but feel remorse because it's nothing they'd ever do again.  I just find it interesting that - they don't "bully" me any longer ... I don't hear their mean comments and yet, this morning, in the shower --

I was 'bullying' myself.  Here's what I heard when I stopped "talking in my head" long enough to "listen with my heart":

• "I hate this stomach!" 
• "Ugh, look at all these wrinkles!" 
• "I have ruined my body."   
• "Wow - I wish I looked UNDER my jeans like the world thinks I look outside of them." 

(HA - trust me - that last one sounded like it made sense in the shower!)  ;-)

I finally realized what I was saying and told myself to BE QUIET!  THEN - I told myself to be nice ... just like I'd want to tell someone else if they were saying something that wasn't building another person up.

"If you can't say something nice - don't say nothing at all."  Thumper's mama had something there now, didn't she? 

I have lost a lot of weight.  I have worked hard on myself.  I am learning how to reach out and make friends ... take chances/risks (in a good way) ... test waters ... try new things.

I have changes that I need to make - and hopefully one day one of those changes might include a tummy tuck ... but my wrinkles and my stomach and my stretch marks are part of who I am ... this has been a journey.  It has been a GREAT journey over all and I want to focus on the positive and be nice.

It's a lot easier being kind to others but you know ... it's A-OK to be kind to ourselves, too!

Have a GREAT day ~

As always - I'll keep you 'posted'

Nightmare ...

So I had this dream last night ... it's time for my annual post gastric bypass follow-up appointment.  I stand up on the scale and it registers 267 pounds!! 

The nurse turns to me and says, "Rebecca, you might wanna' slip your shoes off ... your weight's up a bit!"

HA

GO FOR IT!! :-)

A short while back

I stood on my scale

And oh my word

Did I start to wail!

The number displayed? 

It was QUITE astronomical

(And my response?

Well, it was not comical!)

I wondered aloud,

“What am I gonna’ do?

When I look to the ground

I cannot see my shoe!”

The joints in my knees

They weren’t feeling too great.

So I made a decision then and there

To lose weight!

I decided to check into

Weight Loss Surg'ry

Roux en Y (gastric bypass)

Was the choice for me!

A year has now passed

Since I made my decision

And the life I live now

Is the one I’ve envisioned!

I can wear nicer clothes

I can go on a walk

Or a bike ride with family

And actually still TALK!

Now I am not trying

To be boastin’ or braggin’

I just got sooo tired

Of seeing my skin saggin’!

Maybe you are where I was

And you want something new

To feel pride once again

In the one you call YOU!

Well, the future is yours

And I wish you success

Claim the life of your dreams!

You deserve nothing less!

rebecca dahlen

My name is Rebecca and I’m addicted to … CHOCOLATE

The above title really isn't “revelation” to anyone who knows me [heck, I’m not even sure the post title is original – I think  I plagiarized from another of my own previous blogs].  Whatever the case may be –

This morning I was “irritated” and the FIRST thing I wanted was:  CHOCOLATE. 


Of course, I had no available chocolate [which, in turn, only irritated me more]. 

And then … WAIT!  What?  Hold on – let me check … AHHH yes, I have ONE Viactiv chocolate flavored calcium chew in my bag.  Will miracles never cease?!

How revealing stressful moments can be ... it really doesn't even have to be anything huge ~ just a minor irritation, a set-back, an unexpected 'something' and *boom* ... you have an opportunity (if you're paying attention) to get a glimpse of something a little deeper inside yourself -- a chance to find out what you're made of.

If, like me, that's 99% Peanut M&M's, perhaps it's time to reconsider what you've got stashed around your desk ... and stashed a bit deeper inside yourself.  :-)

Seriously - it is NUTS (pardon that pun) to say I would've sworn I didn't have a chocolate addiction.  I mean, it is rather obvious if you look closely at my thighs -- there are all these little white "m's" printed under the top layer! (lol)  Let's just say this morning was an eye-opener and I'm glad I was paying attention.  [And hey, while I was at it ... I gotta little extra calcium in to boot!] 

That's it for now but as always, I'll keep you ~

POSTED ...

Getting to Where I Got - Part IV

Here are some pics of me "back in the day " ...

8th Grade Cheerleading (that's me in front)

10th Grade ... after one too many packages of Peanut Butter M&M's (yes, I loved them then too!)

Senior Prom

And WHY is it the boobs are the first to go?? ...



Anyway - I insert those pics to show that I wasn't always heavy (prior and up to 8th grade) ... but then I went through a difficult break-up between my 8th - 9th grade.  I started gaining weight then.  By the 10th grade pic above I had put on weight and it gradually climbed until I was 140'ish.  I lost the weight ... and that was a "good" thing ... but I did it in a "not so good" way.  Mostly - out of ignorance.  I didn't realize I was messing with my metabolism, starving my body, screwing up my cycle. 

Dr. Spindler put me on the pill and eventually cycles returned.  After my senior year of high school I started dating a guy and we went out and eventually my eating returned.  (That all started with a date to Great America and one "Frying Saucer" for dessert - haha).

I always figured - if/when I put on a few pounds I could just stop eating for a few days and exercise like crazy and the weight would quickly come off.  It always did. 

But years of yo-yo dieting wreaked havoc on my system.  

Over the years when "losing" became more difficult (and I began to loathe the ritualistic exercise regimine) I paid others to HELP me with my "problem" -- Weight Watcher's, Nutri-System, Jenny Craig ... you name it, I tried it.  ESPECIALLY after I had children.  I really put the pounds on when the children came along ... (take a look at just one for yourself ...)



So now I am learning how to eat properly (I say learning because I still would love to be able to eat and just starve a few days after) ... but to this day I really hate organized exercise.  I've tried and the same old obsessions kick back in ... starting back at the beginning of the count, riding just a little farther on the bike.  My back hurts?  Who cares ... I need to stay in shape.  My Rad tells me last week I have two annular tears in my lower lumbar spine ... thus, the radiating pain down my left leg?  Oh well ... deal with it - the show must go on.

I still have lots to learn and miles to go before ... well, you get the point.

I think I skipped around a lot and I'm not sure I ever really accomplished what I set out to write in this particular post but ... there's time. 

So there you have it:  A starting point in 4 parts that might help explain "How I Got to Where I Got"  (sorry to my English Teacher ... I know the grammar sucks ... just my attempt at being "cutesy" with my writing.  ;-) 

If you'd like to follow me on this journey post gastric bypass I sincerely invite you to come along for the ride ...

As Always ... The Joy Is In The Journey ...

(and having travel companions only adds to the fun!)  :-)

Until next time, I'll keep you ...

POSTED!

Getting to Where I Got ~ Part III

So where were we?  Ahhh yes -- EXERCISE.

Seeee -- it's not so much that I didn't like various exercises/activity.  On the contrary, as a small child I loved to run, play hide and seek, tag, dodgeball, four square, capture the flag.  In jr. high I liked PE, enjoyed running track, played basketball, softball, volleyball.  I didn't do too much "activity wise" in high school.  I was mostly a loner on campus.  Every lunch hour I'd grab a package of M&M's (peanut, of course) and a package of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and eat this up on the grass while I read a book by myself.  I hoped that, by bringing a book, other kids would think I wanted to eat by myself and it would hide the fact that I was hating being the unpopular girl at the new school.  (By the way - did you catch that I bought two packages of candy E-V-E-R-Y D-A-Y during lunch?  Small wonder why I gained so much weight!)

Anyway - as an adult there was one period of time after my third child was born that I joined a local ladies only nautilus gym.  I thoroughly enjoyed the aerobics class and the time out with "big people"!  :-)  I actually lost a lot of pregnancy weight for a while there and I was eating healthier and exercising a "normal" amount.

Unfortunately - somewhere along the line "exercising" became something I 'had' to do again - then that gym closed, I had to return to work full-time and ... well on the story goes.

Anyway - back to my original story:  What I have since come to know about myself is that I have a hard time stopping when I get to any "finish" line -- irregardless of the initial goal.  If I set out to do 100 sit-ups then I would count them – out loud – one by one.  That’s no big deal.  However, if I got to – mmm, let’s say 52 – and was distracted by some external source (be it a phone call or an interruption of some other type), then when I resumed those sit-ups I "had" to start back with the count of 1.   I couldn't start up from 52 and just move to 53 -- I had to start over. 

I don’t know why.  If interrupted -- I always had to start back at the beginning of my routine.  At 16 years of age, my ‘exercise routine’ took me no less than 2 hours.  This "routine" consisted of sit-ups, deep knee bends, toe touches, jumping jacks, etc.  I would do 100 to 200 of each exercise.  I don't even remember the exact number I expected myself to do ... I just remember that routine.  It should've been easy -- but it always took me hours to complete.  Even if everybody else was in bed I would be doing jumping jacks, toe touches, deep knee bends, etc., etc.  And even if I wasn’t distracted by some external source -- if I just “thought” that maybe I miscounted ... it was back to the starting gate.  My ritual was so rigid it became obsessive.  I couldn’t go to bed until I had completed my routine.  If I had been out and didn't get home until late ... it didn't matter.  If I couldn't start until 3 am., so be it.  I 'had' to finish my routine! 

Pair this with my desire to keep “tabs” (pun intended) on my one apple and Tab per day.  It all became an annoying way to deal with things.  Yes, I was thinner.  I didn't look anorexic to others for the most part (an occasional comment was made about my face looking too thin but not often) and when bones started becoming a bit too noticeable ... I saw it.  I think a true anorexic can't see when they're getting too thin -- they look in the mirror and still see fat.  I didn't.  I saw I was thinner and I liked it.  I didn't really want to lose more - I just wanted to maintain the loss.  But - without starving and over exercising ... I had no clue how to do that.  I was 5'2" and somewhere between 100-105 pounds.  It was probably an acceptable weight for a 16-17 year old girl. 


The "problem" was how I arrived at that weight.  According to dear ol' Dr. Spindler, when I stopped having periods that was a sign I was not getting adequate nutrition and I was over exercising. 

To be continued ...

Getting to Where I Got ... Part II

As I've been trying to remember back to what caused me to lose so much weight in such a short period of time I've pondered a couple questions:  Why did I start a diet in the first place?  Why did I eventually stop eating practically everything (I only consumed one apple and one can of Tab diet soda daily), and why I couldn't go to sleep at night unless I completed a very regimined exercise routine and ... how did I keep this from people?

The last question is easy:  My parents enjoyed eating out during my last couple of years in high school and I didn't enjoy that at all.  I would just say I was going to eat something at work or eat something later or ... I don't know.  I pulled it off. 

As to how the "diet plan" came to be ... this is how things went down (literally): 

At the very end of my junior year - like the first day of "summer vacation" ... I got a minor flu bug.  Actually - let's go back a month or so.  About one month prior I happened to step on the scale after a "shopping spree" with my friend.  The only reason I was "wondering" about my weight at that point was because we went to the mall to buy some pants and ... I could no longer fit into a size 9 ... or a size 11 ... or a WHAT?  Not even a size 13 fit?  YIKES!  The only pair of pants that fit me [and THEY were tight] were a size 15-16 pants. 

The last time I remember shopping for pants I was a size 9.  When I stood on the scale for the first time in years I now saw that I weighed a little over 140 pounds!  And ... THAT, my friends, was the first time I can remember actually paying "attention" to a scale.  Sixteen years of age. 

I've paid attention to it absolutely EVERY day since.  *sigh*


Sorry - tangent again.  Soooo ... I got that flu as summer began and -- I can't keep food down (sorry, TMI).  Once I started feeling better I decide to check out that @#$%^ scale again ... just because I "felt" a little lighter. 


Hey!  What do you know?!!  I was down to about 135 pounds - maybe even a bit less.  Not sure the number but the scale was going down.  WOW!  More than 5 pounds simply because I didn't eat anything for 24 hours or so.  That was easy enough!


I decided I wouldn't eat anything the next day ... or at least not too much of anything.  I lost more weight.  By the end of the week I was down a few more pounds.  But -- I was hungry.  So -- I went and had an apple.  There was some Tab in the fridge so I had that too.  Then - one day I went for a bike ride.  The next morning the scale was down even farther. 


"IF I ADD EXERCISE I CAN SPEED THIS WEIGHT LOSS THING UP!"


My senior portrait "session time" schedule arrived in the mail and now -- oooh ... now I had real motivation!  It was actually a possibility I wouldn't look totally frumpy in my senior picture.  If only I keep exercising and not eating.


And there you have it.  By the end of the summer I weighed a little over 100 pounds, was in a size 5-7, felt crappy but looked fine.  I remember the look on a classmate named Sue's face at our portrait session, "Becky - what happened to you?  You look FANTASTIC!" 


You have to know that this about Sue.  Sue was one of the most popular girls in my class ... (she ended up being the Senior Homecoming Queen that next year) ... and this was the person who, that summer on that senior picture  taking day -- looked at me and exclaimed (yes, exclaimed - ha), "You look fantastic!" 


I haven't shared how unpopular I was when I transferred to that new school in 10th grade but trust me - I was unpopular.  I went from being student body president (our school only went up to the 9th grade) ... AND head cheerleader at the previous school.  When I had to transfer as a newbie in the 10th grade ... I was a complete "no name" - and it was a major blow to the ego.  They didn't know me - I had braces, I was awkward, shy, uncomfortable in this new setting.  I resented that I was treated like a nobody when I had been a "somebody" at my previous school.  They had no idea who I was and I hated that feeling.  Perhaps some of my previous ego was still rearing it's little head in a fight to regain popularity in my new surroundings.  But I wasn't finding that to be the case.


And yet this one popular girl's simple comment of affirmation made all those late night exercise sessions worth it!  Who cared about the awful fatigue and chronic constipation?  And we all know I never missed the periods!! 


Yet what was happening was that I was beginning to fear food -- I didn't want to eat and risk weight gain ... I didn't want to put any calories in my body - I wanted to stay littler.  And maybe, just maybe, if I up my exercise routine I can stay thin forever!


Not only was I worried about eating/consuming calories ... I was also starting to despise exercise!  It worked so well though ... I forced myself to continue doing it ... even when I was exhausted, even when I felt faint, even when ...

I kept exercising. 


To be continued ...

Getting to Where I Got - Part I

The following may (or may not) come as a surprise to those of you who know me in the "now" as a post gastric bypass patient (heck, it may come as somewhat of a surprise to those of you who know me from “back in the day” as well) but when I was 16 years of age, our then family doctor, good ol’ Dr. Spindler, diagnosed me as being anorexic. 


Huh?  Come again??

In all fairness ... the term "anorexia" as we have come to know it today ... really wasn’t too well known back in 1980 (at least I'd never heard of it).  Nevertheless, Dr. Spindler threw it out there as his clinical diagnosis for me.  You see, I found myself sitting in his office that fall day of my senior year in high school because I hadn’t had a period in months [and I couldn’t possibly have been pregnant at that time in my life].  I was run down, not to mention lab results showed me to be extremely anemic.  I could only go to the bathroom if I took a laxative and that was rarely working for me anymore.  Weight wise, I had dropped over 30 pounds in about 8 weeks. 

Had I lost weight intentionally that past summer?  Well ... yah!  It didn't start out being something "intentional" ... I was 16 yrs. old and my senior portrait session was coming up in August -- this was June.  I started my 'diet' in June the Monday following the last day of my Junior year - "unintentionally" because I developed a slight case of the 24 hour flu.  

By the time that senior portrait appointment rolled around 8 weeks later ... boom *30 pounds* -- gone!


However -- I'm getting a bit ahead of myself.  Let's go back a bit so I can try to tell you how I ended up in that doctor's room with a diagnosis of "anorexia" in the first place.


Perhaps "my story" is fairly typical for a person who's weight has fluctuated up and down over the years.  But "my story" really isn't that of a person who would say, "I've been overweight since as far back as I can remember." 


Nope.  As a child I was normal in size.  So much so that really – I cannot even remember thinking about my weight when I was a little girl. 


In fact, I felt so good about my appearance in the 7^th grade that I remember specifically praying and asking God to make me more humble – to take away my conceit and make me less "stuck up!" 

Just an aside - I really believe God did hear that prayer & answered it because something in me changed and I stopped feeling so conceited.  Unfortunately - and I don't think it's God's fault - but somewhere along the line I went from feeling super confident to completely lacking confidence by the time I entered the 10th grade.  Had to do with a break up ... lost love, yada yada yada.  That's a Part II in the making!  ;-)


Back to my original story.  When I was seated in Dr. Spindler's office and he was discussing his "findings" as he held my lab results in front of him ... I was thinking ... "What is anorexia and did I 'have' it??"  In hindsight, I really don't think so – at least not in the “emotional” sense of the word.  Was I “anorexic” in the clinical sense of the word?  Technically yes since a symptom of anorexia includes the cessation of menstruation, etc.

So – how did this “condition” come to be? 

I don't know the answer to that anymore than I know the answer to HOW can I could be diagnosed with anorexia in high school and then, some 30 years later, be diagnosed with morbidly obesity?  Somehow – I think the same mindset that caused me not to eat 30 years earlier eventually led me to overeat 30 years later.

To be continued ...

Enjoy the Ride ... :-)

Has the following ever happened to you? 

You're in the car on an interstate heading toward ... oh, I don't know ... humor me and pick your favorite destination for the sake of my story.  :-) 
You're coasting down the highway and all of the sudden you realize ~ 

"Woah!  I'm alot farther down the road than I thought!" 

You don't even remember getting from point A to point B! 

Huh?  What?!?  How did that happen?  Good thing you didn't hit anything along the way because it would appear you weren't even paying attention to the road for a while there.  What were you thinking about - what distracted you?  Did you zone?

THAT, my friends, is what I have come to realize I have been doing thus far on my post gastric bypass journey.

I have "arrived" at my goal but I've almost missed SOOO many sights along the way.  I had been daydreaming about the "when" -- thinking about what life would be like when I reached my goal, worrying about whether or not I would be able to "maintain" my loss once I got there, etc., etc., etc. ... SOOO preoccupied with getting "here" (and to carry the above analogy just a bit farther, of course I have decided I'm still wide awake and can drive a little farther -- aka -- I want to lose another 10 pounds beyond my initial goal weight) - but so preoccupied with getting here that I've kinda zoned out along the journey!  I've missed some key "fun" sights that I had promised myself I'd savor along the way! 

It's not tooooo late to stop and smell the roses so ... here are some favorite landmarks I was anticipating seeing for such a long time that I almost missed completely: 

• I am now buying clothing off the rack in any store I walk into.  We're talking bras, underwear, blouses, dresses.  Even pants!  UNHEARD of 1 year ago today!
• This past Halloween I was able to buy a costume from a REGULAR people store (not blow up purple balloons to be a plump juicy grape)!  Unheard of Halloween 2009!
• I did walk into Victoria's Secret and purchase something other than body lotion -- I was actually able to pick 5 CUTE underwear for $25 right off the table.  SOOOO cool and something I promised myself someday I would do and I would savor the moment the day I did it.  Unheard of 1 year ago! 
• This year our company is hosting it's annual "Super Bowl Chili Cook-Off and Jeans & Jersey Day."  I have worked here going on 11 years and I have never once been able to fit into a football jersey (decent "normal people" size) and/or wear cute jeans.  THIS coming Friday I will do just that!!  I went to Sears to pick up my football jersey and purchased a girls size medium right off the rack.  Unheard of 1 year ago!
• I went on a 14.2 m. bike ride with my husband today up to the Shasta Dam.  I kept up with him the entire ride, we talked the whole time, we laughed, we enjoyed the sights, and I LOVED the time together.  I rode my bike with my husband!  Unheard of 1 year ago today!
• I am wearing mascara, earrings, lip gloss, necklaces.  Not "unheard" of because it was impossible a year ago but ... I just didn't feel good enough about myself to wear any of these things one year ago!
• I purchased 3 -- count em' -- THREE -- bras with ease.  Prior to my "now" I hated bra shopping because it took me forever to find a bra that didn't cut into my skin -- front and/or back.  NOW?  Off the rack baby -- off the rack.  Well ... on my rack but ... purchased "off" the rack!  ;-)  Also would've been "unheard of" 1 year ago today!
• I can walk with ease from point A to point B.  I'm not winded - I'm not sucking air - I'm not embarrassed.  Unheard of one year ago today!
• I can grocery shop with ease.  (I still HATE grocery shopping ... not much has changed in that department from one year ago today but ... details, details!) ... I can move, shop, breathe, talk.  Unheard of 1 year ago today.
• When I'm at work, I can run across the street for something when called upon to do so and ... I can literally "run" across the street.  If I happen to meet up with someone on the other side of the road (such as happened this past Wednesday) - I can completely carry on a conversation without trying to hide how much difficulty I'm having breathing.  Unheard of 1 year ago today!

I write this not to brag - honestly - but to emphasize the need to pay attention, to savor the "moments", to encourage you to NOT miss the sights along this post gastric bypass journey!

The joy IS in the journey.  Getting to the destination is SWEET but there are sooo many beautiful things to look at, acknowledge and enjoy along the way!

Here's to you, friends!

SAVOR THE MOMENTS ...

Yesterday's History

Tomorrow's a Mystery

Today is a GIFT ...

That's why we call it the PRESENT.

Open & enjoy your gift.  Don't be like the little kid at Christmas who is so quick to get to the next present he opens and then quickly tosses the current gift to the side.  THIS gift - this journey - is pretty grand!  SAVOR IT - SIT WITH IT, ENJOY IT! 

And by the way -- give yourself some credit -- you've earned it!!!  :-)